Re-runs

16 09 2008

I was thinking about what to write today and I had an idea, but then I remembered that I wrote about it years ago when I used to post randomly on my myspace blog.  At first, I balked at the idea of copying over those posts because then I’d be breaking my 30 days of writing, but then I started reading some of that old stuff and I really enjoyed it.  Then I remembered that I don’t care what you think 😀 so I’m going to run a best-of from those postings and some from an old Livejournal one as well.  These are things that I wrote about 3-4 years ago at the tender age of 22-23: (I just realized that this paragraph counts. The streak continues!)

Originally posted 12/6/2004:
Ok can we all please stop living in this imaginary world and just agree that new born babies are ugly?

I have no idea how people can look at a baby that has just been born and possibly say, with a straight face, that he or she is cute. They’re just wrong and I’ll prove it to you. I’m going to describe the average new born baby and we’ll see if they are redeeming qualities.

The average newborn is pudgy to say the least. Their average body fat index is probably like 40%. Not a muscle on their body. Now I’m not saying that they should have muscles because less face it, they’ve never used their arms or legs so that wouldn’t make much sense. Either way, someone with that little muscle and that much fat is not looking highly upon in our society.

A typical newborn is also usually bald (not by choice) or has thin hair. Ask any girl whether they’d want a guy with thinned hair or no hair or a guy with a full head of hair. I think more often then not, they’d go with the latter. (Better yet, think of a guy and whether he’d want a girl with no hair)

A newborn has no teeth. Who in their right mind would think that someone with no teeth is cute?

Also, who could possibly think that a human being that has no control over their bowels and that pukes every other minute is at all desirable? Makes no sense to me.

I sit around and I see everyone oohing and ahhhing and awwwing every time a little kid gurgle or makes a sound. Let’s rip out the video camera when they finally figure out what their legs are for. Hello people!! These are things they’re supposed to do!! Civilized human beings should be able to walk, communicate, and goto the bathroom somewhere other then their pants.

So let’s summarize the basic attributes of these children:
1)Pudgy and flabby
2)No muscles
3)Bald
4)Toothless
5)Pukes and craps all over the place
6)Uneducated
7)A real high maintenance individual

Those are some of the least desirable physical qualities I can think of. That’s not cute! That’s ugly. So can we please get past all the politically correct bullshit and just come to an agreement that newborn babies are ugly. It’s not their fault. They were born that way. They’re a work in progress. Maybe when they’re 2 or 3 and mildly self sufficient, then we can start that cute meter going up, but until then, let’s stop lying to ourselves.

Originally posted 3/17/2005:
Pink Starburst rule.

Thank you.

Originally posted 3/24/2005:
I was sitting here at work….avoiding work..and I got to thinking. Does the colored shell on the outside of an M&M really effect the taste? I can never tell. It’s things like this that keep me up at night.

Originally posted 11/19/2005 (Don’t drink and blog)
welcome to my drunken blog entry. i decided that since i can’t think straight, i should post a blog about world peace. world peace is important to the world because it leads to peace. it is important to have peace in the world because it leads to peace.. I can’t remember what i was saying but i think it had something to do with drinking. it is important to drink because drinking leads to more drinking and if we had a lot of drinking there would be a lot of peace and that’s good to have. i’ll drink to that. amen and allehigjua. fuck i suck at spelling when i’m drunk. praise jesus for this drunken night!. woot! amen!

Originally posted 01/09/2006:
Know what I was just thinking about?

Why do they call it a pair of pants when you only get one? It’s not a pair of anything… and shouldn’t it be a pant? The word pants is plural, again implying some other missing pant.

I demand my other pant.

Originally posted 12/07/2005:
Today’s lesson: The turn signal

I’ve had about enough of people misusing their turn signals. What the fuck is the point of hitting your brake, then turning on your turn signal. Hello asshole, the point of a turn signal is to LET ME KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO BRAKE. Why the fuck would you turn it on after you’ve already almost caused an accident? If you’re going to be a complete moron, at least just be inconsiderate and don’t use it at all.

I bet if they were to chart the usage of foul language, there would be a severe spike at the age a person learns to drive.

Originally posted 02/08/2006:
i close my eyes and think of what is
i think of what could be and what never was
a feeling of calm washes over my mind and a smile warms my face
because i know, in that moment, that what is is what should be
what could be could still be
and what never was was never meant to be
i take a deep breath, empty my mind, and fall into a peaceful slumber

Originally posted 03/20/2006

Originally posted 03/22/2006:

Originally posted 03/27/2006:

Originally posted 05/24/2006:

I was bored today so I found out that my alarm clock beeps at 93 beats per minute.

Now THAT’S some useless information.

Originally posted 07/26/2006:
Want to know what I learned today?

It’s not a good idea to eat a powdered sugar donut while driving with the air conditioner on full blast.

Also, powdered sugar burns when it gets in your eyes.

Originally posted 09/15/2006:
“On the dresser, there’s a dildo made from the same soft pink plastic as a million Barbie dolls, and for a moment, Tyler can picture millions of baby dolls and Barbie dolls and dildos injection-molded and coming off the same assembly line in Taiwan.”

from Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

Originally posted 09/26/2006:
I was just thinking… (brace yourself)

If I used the same naming technique that Sam Walton did when he named Walmart, my store would be called Martmart. How awesome would that be? People would come in and buy shit just because of the naming novelty. I could make a fortune.

Originally posted 09/21/2007:
“I am an invisible man… I am not complaining, nor am I protesting either. It is sometimes advantageous to be unseen, although it is most often rather wearing on the nerves. Then too, you’re constantly being bumped against by those of poor vision. Or again, you often doubt if you really exist. You wonder whether you aren’t simply a phantom in other people’s minds…. It’s when you feel like this that, out of resentment, you begin to bump people back. And, let me confess, you feel that way most of the time. You ache with the need to convince yourself that you do exist in the real world, that you’re a part of all the sounds and anguish, and you strike out with your fists, you curse and you swear to make them recognize you. And, alas, it’s seldom successful.”

An excerpt from The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison

Originally posted 09/27/2007:
I’ve seen a recent trend among men that needs to be stopped. It’s been growing and growing and I just can’t take it any longer.

This is a notice to all men: You should not have your suitcase on wheels rolling behind you. It makes you look like a giant douchebag! Be a real man and pick the damn thing up. It can’t weigh more then, what, 3-4 lbs? If you’re too much of a fucking wuss to carry a suitcase or small bag, you must turn in your balls because you are officially no longer a man.

The next time I see a guy walking to the train with a suitcase on wheels, I’m going to grab it and throw it on the god damn train tracks.

I’m tired of this shit.

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